Nightmares

I always had two distinct nightmares. One was a dragon who would fly down through the clouds and burn me up with his fire breath.

I always had that dream at home, every night.

On weekends I’d stay at my grandparents’ house, where I’d have a different recurring dream.

My weekend recurring nightmare was of giant ant-like creatures (well, “giant” as in the size of a large dog). They marched in formation like those ants who would steal picnic food in old Tom & Jerry cartoons. I’d be lying in my bed and hear them coming. The thumping of drums matched their steps, then they’d surround my bed (my nightmares were rather cinematic in retrospect). The leader bug had a mantis-like head and would stand at the foot of my bed and try to attack my feet (or something). I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, but if you’re the kind of person who can’t sleep with their feet outside of the covers, you’ll understand the fear I had.

I’d always wake up screaming by that point.

One night in 6th or 7th grade, I had a different dream at home. A man in a robe with a long white beard guided me to a tower. On the opposite side, that dragon was standing there, bound to the tower with thick chains. The bearded man said he’d never bother me again. And I never saw that dragon again. The giant ants also stopped coming by when I went to my grandparents’ on the weekends.

I have no explanation for that. Who was the bearded man? I had never seen him before and I haven’t seen him since. But I’m grateful for him.

My nightmares didn’t stop after that night, but they took different forms. I no longer had the same recurring nightmares of the dragon or the giant ants. Now it was a different kind of nightmare every night.

I used to sleep with my eyes partially open, so my dreamscape would often resemble my real life surroundings. As I’d wake up, my dream visions would fade, leaving just the real world.

Of course, my brain is a dirty sumbitch, so a lot of times I’d dream that I woke up only to find I was still in the nightmare, like the monster or whatever was there was tricking me into believing I was safe. The anxiety produced by being in the scenario of not knowing whether your nightmare is over even though you seem to be wide awake cannot be described adequately without sounding like hyperbole.

Imagine realizing you’re in a nightmare and not being able to wake up, then when you think you’ve awakened you then get surprised by the monster and find out you’re still in the nightmare.

This happened every night until I moved into my dorm room at college.

Maybe this was caused by my love of horror movies. I’m a child of the 80s. Parents would let us watch nearly anything back then. Before I was a teenager I saw all the Friday the 13th films that had come out, all the Halloween movies, Nightmare on Elm Street, and even most of the B-movies that we’d get rent from the nearby Blockbuster Video.

But from college onward, I have rarely had a nightmare, or a dream of any kind. Or if I have had any, I have no memory of any when I wake up each morning. Whether I dream or not, it feels like I never dream at all. Only on rare occasion do I remember any kind of dream, and it’s even rarer for me to wake up remembering a nightmare. Is my brain shielding me by blocking the memories? Did something change in my brain? Or in my life? I’m not sure.

Maybe my nightmares were due to stress and anxiety. As I entered my adult years, I discovered that I suffer from depression and anxiety, which can lead to one having nightmares.

I came to the realization (with help from professionals) that I’m neurodivergent. That could also explain the nightmares, along with my erratic sleep patterns and intense obsession with my hobbies and interests (among other oddities in my personality – if you follow my YouTube channel you’ll see what I mean).

My point in all this is to say that the human brain is weird and it’s a good idea to spend time learning about yourself and keeping your brain active. Better health isn’t just physical: it’s mental and (however you may understand it) spiritual as well. And avoid fire-breathing dragons when possible.