Taking the High Road

“Taking the high road” only elevates you high enough to get knocked down by those who don’t.

I’m tired of bad people knocking me down. Words have power, and now I’m using mine.

Words have more power than we realize. Every time we speak negatively about ourselves, we rob ourselves of our natural power. Our words can destroy, but they can also heal, build, rebuild, and sustain. Every time we encourage ourselves and those around us, we are bolstering the spirit with loving energy, which makes all of us stronger.

Words are arguably the strongest tool we have. I’m reminded of my time in Bible college (and yes, I will use my degree in theology/philosophy wherever I can, so here goes) when I had to study the book of John for an assignment…

** 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. **

The concept has fascinated philosophers and theologians over the centuries, pouring their lives into trying to discern the nature of the Λόγος or whether such a thing even exists.

The word – the logos (Greek: Λόγος, lit. ”Word”, “Discourse”, or “Reason”) – is a creating and sustaining power. And while our words may not be able to spring universes into being ex nihilo, our words have the power to create a better life, to fill the void with good and beautiful things, and to better ourselves to best experience such a life.

Our words are literally a superpower each of us possesses, but most of us don’t use it, or we misuse the power we have, but either way the full potential of our personal power remains dormant while we flounder in insecurity and self-doubt reinforced by our negative self-talk.

We don’t realize how powerful we can be if we just got out of our own way and treated ourselves with kindness and love, cultivating grace, compassion, and truth in our hearts that will grow and spread to others who are willing to accept that love and accept you.

And it all begins with how we use our words.

You can be so much stronger than you are now. So can I. Get out of your own way and get anyone who drags you down out of your sphere of influence. No more excuses, no more letting people harm you while thinking that you’re stuck forever with whomever happened to fall into your life.

You have a choice.

Every time we remain silent in the face of injustice and malice, someone with less virtuous intentions fills the silence with more injustice and malice. And that someone could be a friend, family member, coworker, employer, neighbor, significant other, a friend of a friend, et cetera.

We don’t speak up because we never want to muddy the waters, but our “live and let live” silence gets interpreted as either weakness or admission of guilt when the abuser unleashes accusations about you to others, when it’s usually just the nice person trying to be nice and not start more drama by keeping things to themselves.

But bad people start drama whether we want it or not. Narcissists don’t care about what we want. They don’t care about consent, especially their target’s. They don’t care about your well-being, despite their carefully crafted words. They only care about what you can give to them.

Sorry, I should have said they only care about what they can strip from you.

Abusers have crafted their wordplay with meticulous precision, trapping you at every turn while putting your brain in a fog, draining your mental and emotional energy while making you think you’re the one who’s wrong or broken. They often demean you under the guise of concern. They won’t stop until they have your soul in their hands.

They take from you until you can’t give anymore, and it’s never enough for them.

They speak ill of people who get close to you, to keep you from getting too close to anyone other than them, especially someone who intimidates them. Narcissists can’t stand powerful people. Your abuser hates anyone who can see through their ruse, and they’ll vilify such people, poisoning your mind against anyone who threatens to challenge the control they have over you, especially if the person they’re blocking is a healthy, well-adjusted human.

Their manipulation is ongoing. Narcissists don’t take a day off, and a human can only keep their shields up for so long before they fatigue. And they will fatigue, they always do, bearing the weight of their abuser, disassociating, suffering memory loss, along with irregular and unfulfilling sleep at night while losing track of the hours during the day, unhealthy eating habits or simply not eating at all, inability to get projects or chores done satisfactorily, all with extra aches and pains due to stress and being overexerted, while struggling to even feel “just okay” each passing day.

The smile gets painted on day after day for the public. I know what that’s like. There are plenty of people who understand that on a far deeper existential level than I do. I shut up and listen when they choose to speak about their experiences.

This makes the abuser’s target feel worse about themselves. “Maybe I’m not good enough,” they think. “Maybe I’m the one doing something wrong.”

They gaslight you, twisting the truth until they’ve convinced you that nothing you think is true and you’re being negative, or “too sensitive,” or overly dramatic. Or they project their flaws onto you, flipping the script to make you sound like the abuser. They never allow you to be fully happy or satisfied because they never are.

Nothing is ever enough for the narcissist. No matter how much you give, how many justifications you use, or how much time and energy you’ve expended on this person, it will never be enough.

And, deep down, most victims know this. Somewhere deep down inside me, I knew it. But the mental and emotional fog the abuser manifests consumes all reason and practicality.

It’s difficult to handle when you’re experiencing it. Sometimes you feel like two separate people living in the same worn-down body. One person inside you knows exactly what’s going on, but that person’s voice is muffled by the confusion and pain of the other.

The only answer is to distance yourself, and probably even cut such a person out of your life altogether.

“Control the distance, control the fight.” That’s what I teach my karate students. Most of our fights have nothing to do with side kicks or a solid boxing combo or a triangle choke from the guard. “Controlling the distance” in everyday self-defense is keeping harmful people away from you while setting healthy, respectful boundaries with those whose presence is a blessing to you rather than a bane.

The good people whose vibes mesh well with your vibes will accept and appreciate you for who you are and respect your needs without smothering you or putting you down.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”

Mercy (and its positive counterpart grace) sometimes means separating yourself from an unhealthy person. It’s mercy insofar as you are not allowing that person to get close enough to harm you without judgment or resentment.

“I love you, but I can’t fix you, and I can’t protect myself from you, so I wish you the best.”

That’s an act of mercy for everyone involved.

It’s not your job to fix these people. It’s not your job to be your abuser’s martyr. It’s not even your job to diagnose or judge these people. You owe them nothing, and it’s your job to protect yourself against the slings and arrows of abuse and mistreatment. Doesn’t matter how intelligent you are or how well-read you are, a manipulator can (and most likely will) still get you if you don’t distance yourself or remove yourself from the equation completely.

Water erodes rock not because it’s stronger, but because it’s persistent, and the rock lacks the ability to leave the shore. A rock can’t roll on its own, but we can Rock & Roll whenever we want. We just need to find the initial spark in our hearts to make the move.

Control the distance, control the fight. That’s the best self-defense lesson I can give anyone, and you don’t have to be a black belt to do it. You don’t even have to be a martial artist.

I’m using the terms “narcissist,” “manipulator,” and “abuser” interchangeably in this post. I don’t know whether all abusers are narcissistic, but all narcissists are abusers. Any abuse should be viewed as something to avoid at all costs, regardless of what’s wrong with the abuser or whether they’re “not as bad” as some other bad people you know.

Not all snake venom is lethal, but, honestly, who really wants to get bitten by a venomous snake of any kind?

“But what about the nice things they’ve done for you?” they (or someone they know) might ask in defense of your abuser.

What about them? Doing something nice doesn’t make up for being abusive. It’s not a point system.

Would you keep a dog that was occasionally friendly and cuddly, but bit you violently at least once each day?

Don’t answer that. Bad rhetorical question. I know how dog lovers are. But still…

Better to keep all the biting dogs and venomous snakes out of our lives.

“They’ve never done anything bad to me,” others might say to protect your abuser.

That might be true, but this isn’t about you. It’s about what they did to their victims. Even the worst people can do nice things. Big deal. I’m glad you haven’t been victimized by this person yet.

The abuser will try to make you believe the “bond” or “connection” you have is the strongest and best thing ever when it’s really the worst thing for you, and/or they put themselves in a position in which they present themselves as better than you, even trying to convince you that you’d be lost without them.

I remember when my former employer sat down with me in a “staff meeting” to tell me (and I’m quoting verbatim), “I don’t need you. You need me.”

He said that to me the day he realized he no longer had power over me. That’s why he forced me and my coworker to sign a brand new “Employee Manual” he had just created, which contained a bogus non-compete clause, before firing me days later.

I think he knew we were going to quit soon. The shift in energy changed. I stopped doing all the things I felt I had to do to get by with him without losing my mind… the walking on eggshells, the simple nod and smile I’d give while enduring all the racist and sexist jokes I heard during staff meetings, the silent enabling which made me feel guilty later.

I remember the feeling of disgust I would be forced to push down whenever I heard an off-color comment or watched inappropriate behavior toward a student or staff member. I listened to such mean and degrading comments about his staff and his students, and no one was immune.

Have you been an active, loyal, obedient student for years? You’d still get talked about like you were trash.

I should have spoken up. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be compromised. But the manipulation was strong and can take a while to overcome in your own heart and mind before you can take any real action. I had no control over the distance… until I realized I did. 😊

And manipulators know better than anyone how much power words have. There was a point in which he nearly had me convinced certain students or parents of students were bad people when they weren’t. They were just more names on the long list of people screwed over for thinking karate might be a nice thing for their kid to do.

Weakness is revealed clearly in the desperate attempts to maintain control and status over others. Insecurity is on display in every attempt to tear another person down.

No matter what you’ve been told by the manipulators and abusers in the world, you have value. You are worth defending. You are deserving of love. We accept what we believe we deserve, and we believe the things we say to ourselves. When we tear ourselves down, we’re doing the work of our abusers for them. Words have power. Use them to build yourself up with truth, respect, grace, and compassion. Use them to bolster those around you.

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think,” said Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh.

Like anything, this requires practice. I shared our mission with my students in nearly every class…

Practice makes Progress.
Progress creates Precision.
Precision leads to Excellence.

It takes time to improve anything about ourselves, including how we use our words. Give yourself time. Give yourself grace.

You need people in your life who build you up rather than tear you down. Your boundaries need to be clear and consistent, and anyone who can’t respect you or your boundaries needs to get the hell out of your life.

Awareness and assessment of a threat, followed by avoidance when possible. Distance management. That’s real self-defense, and it has nothing to do with getting into a fight, unless physical violence is the only option you have.

There are only two wise choices when dealing with a harmful person (whether that person is a narcissist or a violent drunk taking a swing at you): Stay far away from that person or, if you can’t do that, get as close as to that person as necessary to neutralize the threat to give you the opportunity to get away.

Arm’s length away is just close enough to eat a fist to the face, both literally and metaphorically. Control the distance to keep yourself safe.

Self-Defense has so little to do with physical fighting, yet that’s all that most “real world self-defense” schools care about (even though it’s the sports-focused schools rather than the self-defense schools that consistently churn out quality martial artists who can more than handle themselves in a physical altercation if they had to).

Everyday Self-Defense also has so little to do with the way martial arts get taught nowadays that it should be its own separate discipline of study, but some people strap on a black belt and think that alone makes them experts in fields well beyond their scope.

Stay in your lane, black belt instructor. You’re not a psychologist, counselor, or therapist. You’re not even a “life coach.” You teach people how to punch and kick. Repeating buzzwords and vapid student creeds in class is not “life skills training.”

Major props to those instructors out there who know what they’re about and are doing the real work of equipping their students with the physical, mental, and emotional tools they need to succeed. Thank you for seeing your clients as human beings instead of dollar signs. We need more like you.