Rules of Engagement

There are certain “rules of engagement” I do my best to follow when I am having a conversation, particularly with people who believe something I don’t. Keep in mind these are my own personal guidelines, and while I think they are good guidelines, I do not believe they represent everything that can be said about how to engage with other people in conversation. These rules serve as a solid starting point from which productive discussion in both business and personal relationships can exist:

1. Bracket your judgment. In other words, suspend making judgments about another person’s beliefs until you understand those beliefs completely.

2. Work hard to understand other people’s beliefs completely before offering any criticism.

3. Be able to say their beliefs back to them in their own words, then you will know you have a complete understanding of their perspective. Furthermore, they will see that you respect them because you’ve taken the time to learn about them and what they think.

4. Learn the questions they are asking. People are different. The concerns you have and the issues you deem important will not always be the same as the concerns others have and the issues others feel are important. Work to understand other people in order to have a meaningful and productive dialogue with them.

5. Ask yourself those questions they are asking. Everyone exists in a particular context, which means one person’s concerns may differ from another’s. Addressing such questions can help you see “through their eyes” and strip away any erroneous preconceived notions you might have about them.

6. Be suspicious — but not dismissive — of labels. Any label a person decides to give herself can cause as much confusion as clarity. Labels, such as “Christian,” “atheist,” “conservative,” “liberal,” “feminist,” et al., are meant to help people understand what the person believes, but these labels come with baggage that might not necessarily apply to the individual who has donned the label. Whenever we hear one of these labels, each of us get a different image in our minds of what that label represents, which may or may not represent the person with whom we are speaking. Regardless of what label a person uses, the only way to really understand what she believes is to talk to the person.

7. Question their beliefs. The first six rules of engagement are meant to help a person avoid attacking straw men. At this point critical thinking should be applied to the person’s beliefs to see which will remain standing and which will fall to the force of reason.

8. Let them question your beliefs. This is important. Trust is earned when you are open with them and you make yourself vulnerable by exposing your beliefs for criticism. Also, never forget that you could be wrong, and thinking through your beliefs by having them challenged is both healthy and beneficial.

9. Find common ground. In other words, find areas where you and the other person(s) agree, and build from those points of commonality. Also, when you find common ground, you will see the points of disagreement more distinctly, and thus you will be able to address those concerns more directly.

10. Maintain and uphold an atmosphere of respect. Constructive communication is impossible without mutual respect. Never lower yourself to belittling or insulting someone with whom you have a disagreement. Disagreement without disrespect if possible, and should be the standard. Someone who can’t help but insult you, belittle you, or disrespect you — even in moments of disagreement — isn’t someone who deserves any of your time.

These rules of engagement are meant to encourage people to become better listeners. To listen is to interpret what is being said; to analyze and critique the material; to interact with the what is being said as one allows the ideas and arguments to ruminate in her head; to allow these ideas to clash with the ideas and arguments to which the listener currently adheres; to put oneself inside the speaker’s frame of reference to see the world the way the speaker sees the world and comprehend her paradigm. In short, to listen is to think. Critical thinking implies empathic listening. How is discussion or debate even possible unless both parties understand that about which they are actually in disagreement?

Empathic listening is listening with intent to project oneself into the other person’s context (sometimes this is called “projective listening”). The empathic listener tries to put themselves in the speaker’s shoes. This doesn’t mean the listener must agree with what is being said. You can understand another person’s perspective and appreciate how they reached their conclusions without agreeing with them. Empathic listening means the listener works to break out of their own thought paradigm and enter into another’s frame of reference, to better understand the speaker’s feelings, their (implicit) reasons for believing what they believe, what led the speaker to adopt their ideas and conclusions, how their culture, background, and experiences affect the way they perceive the world, and how they use language.

The key to communication is listening. Listening requires silence: not just refraining from speaking, but also quieting the mind. Too often people listen only as much as they need to formulate a response. They want to win a debate. Their brains are working on a retort while the other person is speaking. Shut your mouth, quiet your mind, and listen to the petition of St. Francis of Assisi:

“[L]et me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love…”